I have been thinking about sharing this specific testimony for some time now.
There are many testimonies I can give, there are many things I have been saved from and I could tell you about any of them but being saved from being Lesbian is a private matter I have never shared but somehow I have been pressed to tell you about it.
So if you think this is something your friends or other young teenage girls should know, then please share it along and let us hope it has some meaning.
Growing up in a Christian home I was taught all the basics of life. What is acceptable and what is not. Same sex relationships was definitely one of those topics I was taught on. So when it finally became an issue in my life I was so torn between my feelings and the law I was taught as a child.
There are many reasons why young people lean towards same sex relationships and I do not intent to describe any of the reasons or act as I may know it all. I believe the reason this was triggered in my own life was because of being molested at a young age. As young 6 year old I told my parents what happened but it was waved off. Eventually at age 16, because of a series of events, it was like the experience suddenly triggered my subconscious and it threw me into an emotional outbreak I could not control. Suddenly everything in my life was wrong and everyone in my life was treating me unfair. I had the need to talk about the experience and I wanted justice. I was told by my father to stop allowing my emotions to control me, to take it to the cross and deal with it. It was long past and there would be no profit in bringing it up now. The guilty person was married with Children by now and there is no point in destroying his life.
Being the private person I am, I did just that. Or… thought I did…. at least.
At this point I had given my heart to Jesus and I was really trying to make a difference in people’s lives. Every person I met, I told about Jesus. I had made a decision that I would not be having sex before marriage. I made sure that every man I met knew this before they even tried getting to know me. I was seeking after the truth and I was seeking to know God. I truly meant it. But my mind was telling me all sorts of other things. My mind was telling me that men were weak, they were only ruled by their sexual desires and did not care about young girls the way they are supposed to. As I grew more and more bitter and raged I would test my new found knowledge on the men I met. I was disappointed by them time and time again. Some guys I befriended became Gay, others became fathers before getting married, others just became fathers and ran away, others cheated and lied. Others acted like they wanted to get to know me and really cared but then wanted sex. I found myself to be disgusted by men. I did not have many female friends, it seemed that I was always surrounded by men. In my lonely times I would catch myself thinking about the female body. As an artist I did not think it was wrong, as my own father owned anatomy book showing the man and female bodies in different poses. After a while I realized it was becoming a problem. I was adamant on living right and trying my best to be an example to others. Secretly I was struggling with sexual desires and knowing that I could meet the needs of another woman much better than any man I knew. I desired someone to meet my physical and emotional needs and knew that no man could ever do that for me.
I was completely consumed by my desire to be fulfilled and I was convinced that I could do this for someone else. Living on the farm being far away from other people and friends, I spent allot of time on my own and with God. One day I read Romans 1. The entire Romans 1 explains how people have forsaken the knowledge of the truth and have believed the lies Satan told them. So much so that they started worshiping the creature instead of the Creator!
Rom 1:24-26: “Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves: Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen. For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:”
That part about worshiping the creature and not the Creator really caught my attention. This scripture hit me like an arrow. Instantly I knew that I was being deceived by the lust of my own flesh. My emotions were controlling me. I was desiring to be comforted emotionally and even physically and I was being led by my flesh. God does not desire me to be comforted in my flesh or in my emotions. Emotions lead us astray. Our emotions make us believe that no one cares about us and makes us fall into self pity and self righteousness.
That is exactly what I was, I was self righteous. I believed that the Creature (my own body and emotional needs) were more important than my Creator God. Shortly after, God revealed to me that no man can fulfill another and that a relationship is not built on emotions and what Hollywood tells us in movies. There is no such thing as falling in love, then falling out of Love, then getting a divorce because he does not love me the way I am supposed to be loved. We think people should treat us holy. We think we deserve to feel appreciated and loved. The fact is we are supposed to live for others and not for ourselves, do unto others as we would want done unto us.
Jesus Christ died for us on a cross and he did not feel appreciated, loved or cared for when he did that. Jesus did not come to earth and went through all the suffering because he felt like it. He did it because he Loved us. My dad has this saying: Love is not a feeling it is an act of your will.
He has another saying too: Love is verb. You have to work to love.
God is unchanging and ever faithful. God said he will never leave us and never forsake us and he said he Loves us. He will not change his mind and he will not fall out of love with us. We are to be like God. We should choose to love someone and then keep our word, be faithful and work towards love.
To all the teenagers and people who are struggling with the same things which I have listed in this writing: I want to encourage you. Seek God! Seek the Kingdom of God and all else shall be added! Seek God and he will fill you with all the love you will ever need. Do not seek love, attention and acceptance from people. People will fail you. But God’s love will never fail you.
If you have given yourself over to the lust of your flesh and have fallen into any kind of sin, I encourage you now to submit yourself to God. Ask Him for forgiveness and receive the full love he has for you. There is no sin too big for God to forgive. God wants to pour out his love on you! Do not remove yourself from his love any longer!
That night when God revealed to me that I was desiring something that was not His will for me, I repented. I had to forgive the Molester. I had to forgive the men who I thought did not treat me as I deserved. I had to forgive myself for being ruled by my own self righteousness. I stood at the foot of the Cross that night, I used communion and I buried my fleshly body in the Cross with Jesus Christ. I was saved from the lust of my flesh.
I was 21 at the time this happened. Shortly after doors opened for me and I went overseas for two years. I had plenty of opportunities to act on those thoughts I had before, but I never once desired to be fulfilled by another person again. I was truly saved from myself. Had God not saved me that night, I would have been a bitter, self centred, prideful Lesbian today. I would have hurt my family and disappointed my friends. I would have lived in sin and I would have been proud of it.
I have met many Lesbian and Guy people over time. Every time I spend time with them I can identify with them. Like I once was, so are they.